A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang.
It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and
would she come and take him home?
The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and
back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time.
Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.
Seeing her son like that - his face flushed, his body trembling and
dripping with perspiration - frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as
she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from
the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip
of paper in his hand.
"Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start
him on this right away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the
shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well.
And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a
pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car .
. . . which was locked.
Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son
finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the
car!"
The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get
a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went
dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out
not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance,
but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a
dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire
hangers.
Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she
was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat
hanger.
"I don't know what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the
past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear
Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and
the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it,
and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen."
She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb
and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a t-shirt
and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the
long, tringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose.
He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and
held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how
to get into a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand.
"Where's the car."
Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it - it was
simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door
and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door
was open.
When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she
said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a
Christian."
He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a
good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely. "Bless God!" she
cried. "He sent me a professional!"

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless
Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the
father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God
bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more
than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the
father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good
bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the
traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight
he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to
his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?",
the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks
on the door, it opens and there stands his friends
wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No
I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands."
"Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few
minutes?" She opens the door and he follows her down the
hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice
how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I
will pay you $100 if I could just see one of
them." The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures
why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing
one of her breasts as the man reaches for his
wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the
table. Shortly there after while drinking his
coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've
got to see them both at the same time, I will pay
you another $100 if you will show me them both."
She once again thinks for a moment and decides,
what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good
long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another
$100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't
wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell
John I came by."
About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His
wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend
came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes
ago."
John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he
owes me?"

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said, " I was going to give you a companion and it would be a
woman."
God continues: "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She
will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your
children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a
headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever
needed.
Adam asked God, " What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
And now you know...the rest of the story.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening
around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the
grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair
with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon
and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!!"

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her
for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send
a check for $250 and enclosed the following note.

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the
space I was under the impression that 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that
there was plenty of heat; and 3) that it was small enough to make me
cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and it was entirely
too large.

upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note.

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty
of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to
fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true
what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies
goin?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had
finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"

Baseball in Heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

That Old Time Religion

In the middle of a forest, a hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge,
mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were
unsuccessful. Finally he turned and ran as fast as he could.
He ran and ran and eventually wound up at the edge of a very steep
cliff. His hopes were fading fast.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in at
a rapid pace, he fell to his knees and prayed, "Dear God, PLEASE give
this bear some religion!"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
short of the hunter, the bear come to an abrupt stop, and glanced
around somewhat confused. Suddenly the bear looked up in to the sky
and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive."

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His
wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed
for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes
trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

A couple had been married for about 15 years, and one fine summer day
as they are out working in the garden, the man tells his wife, "Man,
your butt is getting fat." She gets pissed off and moves to another
part of the garden.
The husband follows her and says "You know, that gas grill over there?
I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife is really pissed by now, and tells him HE can finish the
garden HIMSELF and she goes inside. The husband, still playful and
fixated, finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and
measures his wife and says, "Yup, they are both the same size."
The wife doesn't appreciate his sense of humor and is livid! She
doesn't speak to him the rest of the day.
When the man comes to bed that night, he cuddles up next to his wife
and says, "Hey honey, how 'bout it ?"
She thinks for a moment and pulls away.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up that big gas
grill for one little weenie."

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order
five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down
at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their
voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender
asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. .
the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news
and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and
replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is
called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is
called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and
begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped
with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you
have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I
only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

When funds are limited, the fun doesn't have to be!
(Cheap romance for cheap bastards)
Scenario: You have 15 bucks and a car. After you found out that your
last date had an unsightly mole near her navel, you dumped her and got a
different date this weekend. It's a steamy summer evening. You're a
cheap bastard.

8:09 - Arrive at her house only 39 minutes late, dressed in homemade
black tuxedo. Pick roses from her mother's garden, and present them to her.
Give her parents a bucket of fresh fruit from your grandma's orchard, and a
cheese wheel your mom got last Christmas. Talk to them for a while,
stressing your high moral character, and promise to have her home by
10:30.

8:52 - Drive in Dad's El Camino (with hydraulics) to the arts festival
in the park. Sit on a blanket in the grass, listening to a local folk
singer sing some Joan Baez. Discuss the meaning of life, and why all other
guys are insensitive, cow tipping pigs.

10:15 - Reboard the El Camino and speed on over to the local hill, which
looks over the town. Pop in Tony Bennett's Greatest Hits and dance in
the moonlight.

11:27 - Leave for the beach, blasting Green Day all the way.

12:56 - Get to the beach. Wake her up. Ask for permission to grope her.
If she has any boils or repugnant growths on her body, leave her
sprawled on the beach and go home. Otherwise, have a blast, but make
sure to use protection (she's probably already gotten pregnant five times this
way, and is looking for a guy who really cares)

12:59 - Fall asleep

5:06 - Wake up for the sunrise, hold her hand, and just cuddle

5:30 - Head for home

7:22 - Arrive at her door. Tell her that her eyes are bluer than the
deepest oceans, and some other poetic crap. Tell her you truly respect
her, and like her family a lot. Discuss future dating opportunities, kiss her
passionately, and go home with 15 bucks in your pocket.

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they
have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions,
during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a
cucumber in his hand.
Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,
"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"



An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon,
the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

While browsing in an optical shop for new frames, a man noticed a $10,000
pair of glasses mounted in a locked case. When the clerk let him try them on,
the customer was amazes that everyone appeared naked when he looked through
them. The fellow bought the specs on the spot.
Rushing home to show his wife, the man burst through the front door with
his new glasses on and saw his wife and best friend stark naked on the couch.
The husband pulled off the glasses and much to his astonishment, his wife and
friend were still naked. He quickly put the glasses back on and, sure
enough, they were still naked. "Wouldn't you know it," he mumbled, "I have the
damn things 20 minutes and they're already broken."




A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man
reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened,
and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with
my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still
nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried
with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was
shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but
no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"



There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day
and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school
decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and
offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the
schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the
jelly beans.
That day she came running home and yelled to her mom "Mommy! Mommy! Today
the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"
The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they
could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do
this again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag
pole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and
said to her mother "Mommy! Look! Today the gave me 100 jelly beans for
climbing the flagpole!"
The mother got upset and told her "They just did that so they could see
your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen
again!"
So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole.
She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on
her face "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!"
The mother said "What have I been telling you the past couple days?!
They're just doing that to see your panties!"
The little girl replied still smiling widely "I know! I know! But this time
I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the
Declaration of Independence?" He was older than some of the others.
He said, "Damned if I know." She was a little put out by his
swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him
when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to
observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz
and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again.
Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son,
and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own
up to it!"

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole
propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue
surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of
catching a fish. About that time, an investment banker came walking down the
beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of her workday. She noticed the
fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was
fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the investment banker to
the fisherman. "You should be working rather than lying on the beach".
The fisherman looked up at the investment banker, smiled and replied, "And what
will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish" was the banker's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The investment banker replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a
boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish".
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The investment banker was beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work
for you" she said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The investment banker was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build
up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your
employees catch fish for you".
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The investment banker was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't
you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for
your living again. You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this
beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world."
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm
doing right now?"

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking
around to check out his suroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The
city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for
both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it." The city boy
confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken
and a pull-it is a female chicken." The city boy said, "Oh." and went on his
way with two chickens one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who
was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, "The ass is 15
dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I wan't the donkey out side in your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass." The city boy, new to these terms, just
said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about
going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going
again." So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its
tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would
have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts
to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks
up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by
using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the
woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my
ass?"

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy
Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit,
complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at
the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an
understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and
loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her
son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat
hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her
rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her
pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM,
SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their
money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only
could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also
spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must
say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and
deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused
his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he
concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked
the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist
answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his
ex-wife's lawyer.
The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr.
Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser.
The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr.
Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say
he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say
it over and over."

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a
lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and
there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the
road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No
problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so
at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing
the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer,
he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came
from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he
turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that
lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the
stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my
mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented,
"I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it
every day for twenty years!"

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't
want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells
the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife
comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats
wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband
anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take
a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks
me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or
what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are
we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or
what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have
any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going
to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you
see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it
any more."
The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and
says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

One free wish

Family is driving in their car on holidays. Frog crosses the road and
husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the
frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is greatful, thanks the
man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. Man says: please make my
dog win the nexr dog race. Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of
the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells
the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks
that the man will tell him another wish. Man says: well, then please help
that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him
to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and
approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says:
"Could I please have another look at the dog???".





Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the
restroom. Three guys are left...
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser
because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out
that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars
that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just
gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started
out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made
him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate
firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a
new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a
broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that
he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that
they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started
out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact
I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try
to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

There were three dogs waiting in a veternarnian's office.
One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for,
buddy?"
The first dog looked depressed. "I'm in big trouble," he said, "my
owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love
to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was
so excited, I peed on the seats.
Now he's having me put to sleep."
"I know how you feel," said the second dog. "My owner's have a
beautiful, expensive Oriental rug. The other day they were late
getting home
from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over they're
nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are
you in here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to
do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt
down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her
back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to
sleep, too, huh?" "No," said the third dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave desert. Its
the middle of summer and the area is not named "Death Valley" for nothing,
so he decides to hike out. By the time he finally reaches even a dirt road,
he is on his last legs and dying of thirst. Up ahead he spots a roadside
stand and a shack. He gets to his feet and stumbles up to the stand.
"Water!" he croaks.
Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water. My brother
Sam, he sells bottled water in the shack next door.
I sell ties...... Wanna buy a tie?"
"No, I need water," the dying man says. So he drags himself over to the door
of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts to walk in, when
Sam, the shack owner, stops him.
"Sorry, can't get in without a tie!"

Get A Hobby

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he
was going to be stationed a long way from home on a
remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after
he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote
her a letter.
" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very
long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really
not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're
constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.
Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed
back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get
you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"

THE LEMON PICKER

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience
in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles,
and says, "This is s**t."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb.
pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from
an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good s**t!"
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through
a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great s**t."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud
of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both
hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into
the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several
alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through
the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this s**t!"
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of s**t is this?"

BACKGROUND
(Indian Sikhs are well known for having a thick head and being extremely
silly and dumb).
An Indian Sikh fortunately became friends with a beautiful sexy girl and
wanted this relationship to last for ever. For this he made sure that he
did all he could to impress her. He asked his girlfriend out on a date
and was really crazy with happiness on her acceptance.
He wanted to look real cool and bought new clothes. But he had one BIG
problem, was his feet were so shapeless that nearly every shoe he
wore would crack and tear. So for this special occasion he had
them hand made by the best shoemaker in the town. He wanted his
shoes to be so cool and shiny that he could even see his face in them.
The day arrived and he went wearing his new clothes and of course those
cool shiny shoes. The sexy girl was wearing a long skirt and seeing her
he was so excited that he took hold of her and started dancing
at once. During the dance he looked down at his shoes and said to the
girl "Sweetheart you're wearing a pink panties aren't you?"
The girl got very amused at how intelligent this man was.
Again one day when they danced he secretly looked at his shiny shoes and
said "Dear today you're wearing a green panties aren't you?"
The girl was really impressed. Each time they danced he would tell the
girl the color of the panty she wore and she would kiss him and hug him
more than ever in amusement.
The girl being so excited at the Sikhs panty guessing, one day decided
to give her love a real treat by not wearing her sexy panties under her
skirt. As they danced and hugged each other she whispered into her
darlings ear "Dear which color panties am I wearing today?"
She promised the Sikh that she would go to bed with him today if his
guess was right again. The Sikh secretly peeped at his shiny shoes
and in disbelief and anger shouted My god they're CRACKED AGAIN!!!!

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister
Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the
situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day
the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set
this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy
planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister,"
he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her
plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received
another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard,
"Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

TGIF

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).
"She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back
to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

The Coolest Dad in the Universe

He was 50 years old when I was born, and a "Mr. Mom" long before
anyone had a name for it. I didn't know why he was home instead of
Mom, but I was young and the only one of my friends who had their
dad around. I considered myself very lucky.
Dad did so many things for me during my grade-school years. He
convinced the school bus driver to pick me up my house instead of
the usual bus stop that was six blocks away. He always had my lunch
ready for me when I came home - usually a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich that was shaped for the season. My favorite was at
Christmas. The sandwiches would be sprinkled with green sugar and
cut in the shape of a tree.
As I got a little older and tried to gain my independence, I wanted
to move away from those "childish" signs of his love. But he wasn't
going to give up. In high school and no longer able to go home for
lunch, I began taking my own. Dad would get up a little early and
make it for me. I never knew what to expect. The outside of the sack
might be covered with his rendering of a mountain scene (it became
his trademark) or a heart inscribed with "Dad-n-Angie K.K." in its
center. Inside there would be a napkin with that same heart or an "I
love you." Many times he would write a joke or a riddle, such as
"Why don't they ever call it a momsicle instead of a popsicle?" He
always had some silly saying to make me smile and let me know that
he loved me.
I used to hide my lunch so no one would see the bag or read the
napkin, but that didn't last long. One of my friends saw the napkin
one day, grabbed it, and passed it around the lunch room. My face
burned with embarrassment. To my astonishment, the next day all my
friends were waiting to see the napkin. From the way they acted, I
think they all wished they had someone who showed them that kind of
love. I was so proud to have him as my father. Throughout the rest
of my high school years, I received those napkins, and still have a
majority of them.
And still it didn't end. When I left home for college (the last one
to leave), I thought the messages would stop. But my friends and I
were glad that his gestures continued.
I missed seeing my dad every day after school and so I called him a
lot. My phone bills got to be pretty high. It didn't matter what we
said; I just wanted to hear his voice. We started a ritual during
that first year that stayed with us. After I said good-bye he always
said, "Angie?"
"Yes, Dad?" I'd reply.
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Dad."
I began getting letters almost every Friday. The front-desk staff
always knew who the letter were from - the return address said "The
Hunk." Many times the envelopes were addressed in crayon, and along
with the enclosed letters were usually drawings of our cat and dog,
stick figures of him and Mom, and if I had been home the weekend
before, of me racing around town with friends and using the house as
a pit stop. He also had his mountain scene and the heart-encased
inscription, Dad-n-Angie K.K.
The mail was delivered every day right before lunch, so I'd have
his letters with me when I went to the cafeteria. I realized it was
useless to hide them because my roommate was a high school friend
who knew about his napkins. Soon it became a Friday afternoon
ritual. I would read the letters, and the drawing and envelope would
be passed around.
It was during this time that Dad became stricken with cancer. When
the letters didn't come on Friday, I knew that he had been sick and
wasn't able to write. He used to get up at 4:00a.m. so he could sit
in the quiet house and do his letters. If he missed his Friday
delivery, the letters would usually come a day or two later. But
they always came. My friends used to call him "Coolest Dad in the
Universe." And one day they sent him a card bestowing that title,
signed by all of them. I believe he taught all of us about a
father's love. I wouldn't be surprised if my friends started sending
napkins to their children. He left an impression that would stay
with them and inspire them to give their own children their
expression of their love.
Throughout my four years of college, the letters and phone calls
came at regular intervals. But then the time came when I decided to
come home and be with him because he was growing sicker, and I knew
that our time together was limited. Those were the hardest days to
go through. To watch this man, who always acted so young, age past
his years. In the end he didn't recognize who I was and would call
me the name of a relative he hadn't seen in many years. Even though
I knew it was due to his illness, it still hurt that he couldn't
remember my name.
I was alone with him in his hospital room a couple of days before
he died. We held hands and watched TV. As I was getting ready to
leave, he said, "Angie?"
"Yes, Dad?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too, Dad."

Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked
to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very
badly."
Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when
you took his picture?"

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to
repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to
discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked
dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became
extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom
shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting
down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back
to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can
take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time??"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new
tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he
slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful...
I had tennis elbow once."

After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety year old man told his
doctor that they were expecting a child.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "There was an absent minded
fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun, brought
his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged him. He
aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the spot."
"That`s impossible!", the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have
shot that bear!"
"Exactly!", replied the doctor.

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are
curious about the latest arrival in their
building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to
himself.
Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go
over to him at the pool and find out a little about him.
He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up
to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying,
but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20
years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the
other side of the pool, she yells,
"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."






A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." .
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated
and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant
and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your
monkey."

Voodoo Johnson

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on
a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort,
so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her
occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like
the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes,
let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went
to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close
to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old
man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The
old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that
will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything
that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and
he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He
opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal.
It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do
yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the
door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo
dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped,
floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he
finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home
to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to
use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my
pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot
to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing
she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how
to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearlymade her swerve off the
road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea,
right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throat for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's
office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband
held his long face down without anything to say. On the
other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes,
and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief
at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of
the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened
his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring
at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist
finally said: "JUMP!"
And the frog lept.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book:
"Frogs can jump."
The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked
his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared
at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the
frog legs and said: "JUMP!"
And the frog lept.
The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump
with three legs."
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went
through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog
legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was
missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"
And the frog lept.
The scientist then added to his previous observations:
"Frogs can jump with two legs."
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to
his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then
expectantly said: "JUMP!"
And the frog lept.
Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all
this. He wrote down in his log book:
"Frogs can jump with only one leg!"
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab,
all ready thrilled by what new discoveries he might make.
As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the
table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for
his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs.
He then said: "JUMP!"
But alas the frog did not leap.
"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.
Still, the frog did not leap.
"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.
The frog did not leap.
The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in
his log book:
"Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf."

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many
months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and
knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he
wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that
his
father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation,
his father called him into his private study. His father told him how
proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box.
Curious, and somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box
and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed
in gold. Angry, he rose his voice to his father and said "with all your
money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in
business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was
very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him
since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received
a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his
possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care
of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret
filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important
papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His
father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt.7:11, "And if ye, being
evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your
Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he
read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the
sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and
the words PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not
packaged as we expected?